Relationship Tips for 2020 – Part 5

Blog post by Jenn Baker, GSCI at Agape Therapy Institute

Welcome to the fifth and final installment of Relationship Tips for 2020. If you have the time, please check out Parts 1 through 4 for tips on acknowledging your partner, taking time for yourself, connecting with friends and family, and communicating more effectively. 

I’d like to follow up on last week’s relationship tips and have you check in with yourself. Did you have a chance to think about the ways in which you communicate in your relationship? Were you able to try out the dedicated listening or speaking tips from last week? How did it go? It takes time to become comfortable communicating and relating in new ways. Please be patient and kind to yourself as you try out these new skills. If you’ve struggled with this, know that you are taking the first step toward improving your relationship just by reading these tips and focusing on yourself and your relationship. 

Since some of these tips are more challenging than others, I decided to save my favorite tip for last. 

This week I’d like you to focus on:

Having Fun Together! 

Most importantly, make sure that you schedule time for you as a couple to have fun together. Set aside this precious time each and every week to play and connect. Focus on the things that you love to do together. If necessary, find creative ways to modify and adapt these experiences at home or outside. 

A few ideas include:

• Plan a romantic date night
• Play games together
• Re-enact your first date
• Spend time learning new things about each other
• Cook a meal together
• Cook a meal together
• Make lists of places you want to go together and things you want to do together
• Go for a bike ride or walk outside
• Give each other massages
• Volunteer in your community
• Read to each other
• Redecorate e or fix up your home

I hope that you have enjoyed learning about ways to foster joy and connection in your relationships.

Be well within! 

Book an appointment with Jenn by clicking here.

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Photo by Leah Kelley from Pexels

National Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Information and Support

Blog by Ashley Simpson, LCSW at Agape Therapy Institute

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This is a month for survivors, advocates, activists, and loved ones to get together, to stay educated, and to spread information about services for folks to get help. 

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) researches the prevalence of domestic violence in each state and nationwide. They report “In the United States, more than 10 million adults experience domestic violence annually” and “1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men experience sexual violence, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime with ‘IPV-related impact’ such as being concerned for their safety, PTSD symptoms, injury, or needing victim services.” 

Some things to know about domestic violence:

Types of Abuse:

• Physical - hitting, pushing, choking...
• Sexual - rape, molestation, forced viewing of sexual material/acts....
• Emotional - put downs, name calling, blaming,  shaming...
• Power & Control - manipulation, gas lighting, see more below...

Power and control are often the most common, and most misunderstood, aspects of domestic violence.

Domestic Violence is about power and control. Ways that abusers maintain control can be: controlling who their partner is allowed to see or talk to, monitoring phone and/or internet access, controlling money, keeping identification documents, using children in fights (ex: “If you leave me I will take the kids and you’ll never see them again!”)

Getting Help:

Thanks to the Violence Against Women Act that was passed in 1994, there are more services and protections for survivors. Some resources are:

• Call: 1-800-799-7233(SAFE)

• Text: TTY: 1-800-787-3224

• Online chat: thehotline.org

• Specific for teens/young adults:
  Website: Loveisrespect.org
  Call/Text: 1-866-331-9474

**A SAFETY note here. If you are currently in an abusive relationship, be sure to clear your browser history after accessing any information about domestic violence. The most dangerous time for a person in an abusive relationship is when they are attempting to leave. This is due to the abuser feeling a sense of loss of their power and control over you.

Support:

If you are a survivor, there are ways to tell your story, get connected with other survivors, and to get linked up with advocacy groups.

• Individual Therapy - This is a safe place to process what you are going through, and/or what you have survived. There is power in telling your story and processing what has happened and what you have overcome. You may have symptoms due to the trauma you experienced and therapy is a great way to start coping with and alleviating these symptoms. We have experienced therapists here at Agape Therapy Institute and you can book an appointment on our website agapementalhealth.org. There are also therapists available on psychologytoday.com.

• Support Groups - Support groups are a wonderful way to tell your story and to connect with other survivors and hear their stories. If the group is led by a licensed clinician you also have the benefit of learning some coping skills to deal with symptoms you may be experiencing due to the trauma you survived. There are many support groups for domestic violence and relationships on psychologytoday.com. Under “Get Help” there is a category on the far left “Talk to Someone”, and under that heading is “Support Groups”.

• Advocacy Groups - Joining an advocacy group can be a way to use your voice and your power to help others. Helping others is a proven way to regain a sense of optimism, hope, and self-esteem. You can be trained to be a peer support person through thehotline.org. **Note: Make sure that before joining an advocacy group you have processed your own trauma. We cannot help others before we first help ourselves. Remember the oxygen mask metaphor. You must first put on your oxygen mask before you help another person to put on theirs. 

With the national and state statistics as high as they are, it is highly likely that we all know someone, or are that someone, who has experienced interpersonal violence. Being informed about the ways to get help is the first step towards helping yourself or someone else. Reach out, safely. There are people waiting and ready for your call. 

To book an appointment with Ashley Simpson, LCSW, click here.

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"Woman Crying" Photo by Kat Jayne from Pexels

By:  Alexis Pardo, LCSW

Separation is a time that can feel like someone dropped us off in the middle of the ocean and said “swim to shore!” And then we think: Where the eff is the shore? How the eff did I get here? Do I get a float or even a compass? But no one is there to answer your questions. You feel so alone and scared and you have no idea how far away from land you are. 

It’s earth shattering to learn that your partner of X amount of time is not all-in anymore. Often you’ll experience absurd amounts of self-loathing, difficulty sleeping and eating, uncertainty, and  fear. You’re looking at this article because you’re scouring the internet trying to figure out what to do. How do you solve this? Well there are definitely a few tips that might save you some of your sanity in this situation. 

1. Don’t look up relationship advice.
   Stop looking up how to fix relationships or relationship advice in general! You feel really out of control and this is normal. You did not agree to this so it’s very natural that you want to find a way to take back a little control. This is not going to help you and will only encourage you to take all the blame for the relationship falling apart. It takes two to tango and the responsibility is shared between the both of you. Yes, in general it would be great if you could XYZ in future relationships but if the other person isn’t reciprocating and saying “yes, let’s work on this” then there is no relationship advice that is going to fix this. If they eventually say they want to work on the relationship, then this would be the next step but until then drop it. 


2. Have compassion.
   Hold your pain with compassion. No, you should not be over this yet. Your partner just left you. That hurts and acknowledging that pain is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. 


3. Find support.
   Surround yourself with the support of your friends and family. No, you are not a burden - anytime you think you are, express gratitude instead. Everyone needs a little support sometimes. 


4. Give yourself lots of time.
   Understand that this takes time. You are grieving not only the loss of the relationship but the loss of the future with this person. You will go through the stages of grief. Sometimes you might feel stuck in sadness/depression for a day and the next day you can experience all the stages in one hour. You might feel like you are going crazy but you’re not! Your psyche is trying to make sense of this abrupt loss.


5. Don’t talk to the kids about it.
   If you have children, I feel for you because you have to be even stronger on days that you feel horrible. Remember to keep them out of this. It does not matter what your partner did, this is an adult matter only. If your children end up being your sounding board, they won’t learn how to process their own feelings. Whether this is their parent or not (i.e., step parent) they also need this time to adjust to these drastic changes. Don’t let them overhear you talking about your partner either. This kind of sharing is damaging and not appropriate. 


6. Focus on what is within your control.
   Focus on the certainties in your life (work, health, friendships, family, hobbies, your strengths, etc). If things are kind of in the air, it can be scarier so recognizing what’s within your control will really help. You can write a list to keep on you so that when you go down the rabbit hole of despair you can reference this list. You won’t feel 100% better but any percentage improvement is better than the way you feel in that moment. 


7. Therapy?
   If you need more support, seek a therapist. They can hold that space for you to experience the pain you are experiencing and support you through this. 
8. You got this!
   Remember that you are worthy of love! This one person doesn’t determine your worth. 

It’s okay to not be okay! This is what it is and what it feels like right now but it will change. I wish you the best with whatever outcome unfolds. 

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Alexis Pardo is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at Agape Therapy Institute. To learn more about Alexis or to book an appointment with her, visit her page on our website by clicking here or call us at (407) 900-8633 to speak with a Patient Care Coordinator.

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Photo Credit:  Pixabay