Self Care During the Holidays

Blog by Ashley Simpson, LCSW at Agape Therapy Institute

The holiday season can be a stressful time for everyone. If you have a history of negative memories during the holidays, strained relationships with family, financial stress, loss, and the list goes on… the holidays are infinitely more stressful. So… what are some things that we can do to take care of ourselves during this time?

1. Take some down time.
   Often, businesses and schools are closed for a time during December. Schedule some time for yourself. Guilt free. If you have kids this can be after they are in bed or while they are in the care of someone else. Take some time to do something that you genuinely enjoy. And may I add, taking time away from social media, email, and probably your phone in general, during this down time is highly recommended.
2. Keep things simple. 
   There can be a lot of pressure at the holidays. To buy the right gift. To make the perfect dish. To have the perfect decorations. To be there for everyone and every event on everyone else’s schedule. Practice saying “No” when you need to. Pare down your schedule, your shopping list, etc. Think about what you truly value and focus your energy and time on that.
3. Practice gratitude.
   With everything going on in 2020 this may seem impossible at times. Take a moment to sit by yourself. Close your eyes, and when you think of the word “gratitude”, what is the first thing that pops into your head? Does the image of someone’s face appear? Do you hear laughter? Do you imagine a beautiful day in your favorite place? Take a few minutes to sit with the word “gratitude” and see what comes up for you.
4. Acknowledge all of your feelings.
   2020 has been a year. This year the holidays may look different for you than in years past. You may not be able to travel, to be with people you love. You may have lost someone this year. Grief can have an extra sting at the holidays. Acknowledge feelings of loss, sadness, anger, etc. If you have lost someone, this may be a good time to do something to remember them. Visit a place that reminds you of them. Acknowledge them in some way in your home. Take some time to sit with memories of them. Creating a ritual to acknowledge your loss can help you cope with these feelings. If you have long-lasting sadness and trouble functioning in areas of your life due to these feelings of grief, I encourage you to seek out a counselor or grief support group. You may need some additional support in dealing with your loss.
5. Find some magic.
   At this time of year you can find twinkly lights after dark, hear soft, happy music playing, smell people cooking their favorite comfort food. There are a lot of things at this time of year that can bring joy. If you did not get to experience this magic as a child, give yourself permission to experience this now, in this moment.
   For example: Look at the holiday lights as if you have never seen them before. Gaze at them as if you were a child. Take a moment to stand in front of them and really look. Notice the care with which the person put them up. The patterns, the colors, everything you see. Notice how this makes you feel. Find your inner smile.

Take time for yourself, find simple moments of joy, and seek your spirit of thankfulness and magic. Doing so can increase your feelings of pleasure during this time and reduce your stress. If this time of year is triggering for you due to childhood trauma, complicated family dynamics, grief, etc., I encourage you to speak with a therapist about this. Talking about and resolving these issues can help you to move forward and make new memories. 

Be well. 

Book an appointment with Ashley Simpson, LCSW by clicking here.

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Photo by Photo by Kaushal Moradiya from Pexels

The Power of Gratitude

Blog by Ashley Simpson, LCSW at Agape Therapy Institute

If you enter into a Google search “science behind gratitude” you will get 96,500,000 articles. Obviously, there is something to gratitude. What is gratitude? How is it beneficial? How can I build a gratitude practice?

What is gratitude?

Gratitude is the practice of feeling and acknowledging appreciation. It is focusing, intentionally, on the things that we have, instead of thinking of the things we do not have. It can be focusing on things in your life (your health, your home, your relationship, your kids, etc.), it can be broader things (the sunshine, a sweet smell in the air from spring flowers), or it can be concrete things (a phone call from a friend, a gift, words of encouragement from a coworker). It can be anything that you feel thankful for. Gratitude is noticing those feelings and what you are thankful for.

How is it beneficial?

There are studies about the impact of gratitude on the brain. Practicing gratitude has shown to increase levels of dopamine (the pleasure neurotransmitter), serotonin (the happiness neurotransmitter) and oxytocin (the love/cuddle neurotransmitter) in the brain. Gratitude stimulates areas of the brain that make us feel connected to the world and others, feel heard and seen, and feel happy. It can reduce physical pain, help with sleep, and reduce stress.

Practicing gratitude can literally change your frame of mind. The more you increase your practice of gratitude, the easier it will be to find things to be grateful for, even in tough situations, therefore increasing your resilience. This enables us to better see the “sunshine through the clouds” - that little silver lining that some may see, while others may not. We can see the positives and focus on those things, and that positive frame of mind can help alleviate these mental and emotional symptoms of depression. 

How can I build a gratitude practice?

• Building Intention
  Start noticing things that you feel grateful for. One practice idea is to notice three things from the day before that you feel grateful for. Start thinking about these in the morning when you wake up, when you lay down to go to sleep, when you’re in the shower, or while you are driving; whatever time works where you give yourself a few moments to really notice your thoughts.

• Journaling
  Another form of gratitude practice is writing down the things you are grateful for. This builds your intention by giving yourself a goal and a place to write down your thoughts. An idea that can be effective is to leave the journal on your nightstand so it is there when you lay down to go to sleep, or when you wake up in the morning, and you can have your journaling time at the same time and place every day. One practice could be to write down those three things that you started noticing daily, and make that your practice for 21 days.

• Write a Gratitude Letter
  Write a thank you letter to a friend, family member, coworker, etc. thanking them for something they have done or given to you.
  Write a letter that you do not intend to send. This could be a letter to a loved one who has passed away, or a letter to someone you are not speaking to. Take some time to write to them about the things you are thankful for about them. Then do what you wish with the letter.

• Loving Kindness Meditation
  There is a specific type of meditation called a “Loving Kindness Meditation.” In this scripted meditation we sit with loving, kind thoughts towards others and towards ourselves. This is a practice you can do while you are having a few quiet moments to yourself. There is a meditation hereand here that you could try. 

For more information on gratitude, check out the articles here, here, and here.

Book an appointment with Ashley by clicking here.

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Photo by Marcus Wöckel from Pexels

Why is my Child Still Having Temper Tantrums?

by Alexis Pardo, LCSW

Temper tantrums are essentially mood swings. Children get stuck in feeling a negative emotion because they do not have the coping skills to handle them. Adults help children learn how to manage their difficult emotions typically by being empathetic. For example, if a 1 year old cries and throws themselves on the floor because their sibling took their toy, we show them empathy and recognize that this hurt them. We also realize that this is a small slight but to them it is not. Through that empathy we validate their feelings as real, which helps them move through negative emotions. What happens though when the child is 9 and for whatever underlying reason (e.g., emotional control issues and anxiety)  experiences the same reaction. It may seem ridiculous and emotionally immature, but how these situations are dealt with are just as important. 

Below you’ll find some quick tips to deal with these changes in mood. It’s important to be attuned to your child so that you can start to notice the minor changes in their mood before it becomes a full fledged tantrum. Usually there are signs. 

Things to do when you first notice the mood change:

Step 1:  Take a deep breath for yourself

Step 2:  Acknowledge the feeling. Have a couple scripted phrases to use as you may also become emotionally reactive and have difficulty thinking on the fly.  

Example: I can see you’re really upset about this. 

Step 3:  Give instructions for the next step 

Example 1:  I think this would be a good time for you to try and sit in the calm down corner/take a shower/us to do some breathing exercises together. 

Example 2:  I can see you’re really disappointed you didn’t get XYZ toy. I want to hear you out. Let’s go the car so you can take some time to breathe and we can talk about this.  

Step 4:  After some cool down time is allowed, ask him if they are ready to talk about their feelings. I call this “sitting in the dark”. Essentially validate feelings and use empathy. Reflect back what he is saying “what I’m hearing you is you were really sad about the possibility of having to go to bed earlier.” Empathy does not mean the behavior is okay. We can be mad/sad/disappointed/fearful but how we express it is our decision. 

Step 5:  Discuss the consequence for their behavior once he has cooled down completely. It’s okay if this is hours later. They are able to remember what happened and likely understand that this behavior is inappropriate. 

Things to avoid:

Always/never statements

Catastrophizing - “You can’t do this when you’re ____.” It’s important to stay with the present moment. We don’t know what he will be like in the future. This is a difficult time for some kids but many of them turn out more than okay. 

Reasoning - “Think about what you just did”. The reason this doesn’t work is because the reasoning part of the brain is shut off during a tantrum. They do not have access to it. 

Problem Solving - Wait until they calm down to do this

Threatening - Don’t threaten what the consequences will be. It’s important to, again, wait until things have calmed down to discuss why their behavior was inappropriate and the real consequences of behaving that way.

Labeling - “You are being bad” or “you don’t care about anyone but yourself” which means “you are selfish”.

Comparing - “_______ would never do this”

Maintain anger rules:

No destroying property
No hurting others
No hurting yourself

Calm down corner:

Bean bag (aggression can be taken out on it)
Weighted blanket
Anything else you would consider calming or soothing

But this is really hard!

Yes, this is really, really hard and it might feel impossible. Usually parents have spent years trying to deal with their child’s tantrums, so every time they happen they have difficulty not becoming emotionally reactive themselves. After all, they have been dealing with this for a long time and have had many moments that were sometimes equal parts scary and embarrassing, but I know this works! It won’t work immediately because it is not a pill, but over time it will get better. You will know that you’ve strengthened your empathy while simultaneously helping your child strengthen theirs. Your child will also learn to not be ashamed of themselves for having feelings. This helps prevent the “I’m bad for having these feelings” thoughts. Lastly, you will not contribute to lowering their self esteem. Social media does a good job at that already. 

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Alexis Pardo, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Agape Therapy Institute in Downtown Orlando.  She specializes in working with individuals, couples and families across a range of issues. To learn more about Alexis or to request an appointment with her, click here.

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Blog image photo: @pixabay